Ode On The Death Of A Favorite Toy Thrown Out By A Heartless Father

I'm 20 years old, sitting in my parents bathroom in my childhood home, and I'm crying about a stuffed panda. Let me tell you though, this was not an ordinary stuffed panda. 
I firmly believe I earned this panda. At the ripe old age of six my parents took me to another one of our churches rummage sales. Of course, we didn't actually go to the sale. We went to the sorting days before the sale when people brought in their cast off items and we had to make sense of the mess. On a Tuesday night, I discovered Amanda. She was sitting on the table with all the other stuffed animals in the back corner of the old gym, where the stuffed toys always sat. She was roughly three feet high, permanently placed in a seated position with one arm slightly crooked and the other out straight. I decided she was mine and it was destiny. However, I had three brothers and at the time, I didn't even have my own room. My parents were not about to let a three foot panda bear into their house. So six year old me did what six year olds did best; I begged. My parents refused. I carried the panda bear in my arms, I had to use both as she was too big for one, for three nights straight. Every night we got to the rummage sale I would run and see if someone had bought her before the sale even opened. At some point on one of the later nights a giant teenage boy and his friends with baggy pants walked by. He scratched Amanda on the head and told me "Pandas are cool." I was convinced it was fate. Eventually my parents, probably my mom, gave in. For what likely amounted to five dollars, Amanda was mine. I had won the fight and I deserved to keep her. She sat on my floor for years, first my shared room and then my own room. I bought her panda children whose names all began with L. Luke, Lily, Louis. Eventually she had to go live in the attic to make room for my super cool teenage self. 
 To return to present day. Today I learned that my father, in all of his wisdom, TOOK AMANDA TO THE DUMP AND THREW HER OVER THE WALL OF NO RETURN. My parents are moving and clearly I would not want a giant panda any longer. I am heartbroken. Amanda was a good, kind panda. A loving and patient mother. It breaks my heart that she is somewhere, probably ground up by a giant incinerator, feeling hopelessly un-loved. That's the feeling and emotion kids put into the toys they love. Amanda was my good friend, as you can tell by the fact that I'm still sitting on my parents cold bathroom floor typing away on my phone. Toys, to children, are very much alive. Remember that as you become an adult. 

This one's for you, Amanda.

A.

Abusive Relationships

I'm about to get very personal with the internet. You have been warned. Obviously, I'm posting this semi-anonymously. I'm going to keep real names out of this post and, if you happen to know me and the people mentioned, please refrain from passing judgement. I am writing this post because I believe it may help someone.
A lot of people tend to define an abusive relationship on whether or not one person is being physically hurt in someway. That's the easy way to see a problem. Harder to spot is emotional abuse because people may be very good at hiding it.
Some background on me. I come from a stable family, parents married for going on 28 years this September. I have three incredible brothers whom I have witnessed defend me from guys who were bothering me. I have a pretty strong sense of self and a really strong personality. I'm not really the kind of person you can push around. And this still happened to me.
I recently got out of a relationship that looking back on, I could borderline consider abusive. I was with the guy for over a year, but we'd toyed with a relationship for about the same amount of time so let's call it even and say this guy had some part of my heart for about two years. Said boy, we'll call him Greg, and I had a pretty healthy relationship for a while. Towards the end of our relationship was when things got crazy. There were signs he wasn't as mature or ready for real commitment as I was, but of course I didn't notice them until after we broke up.
Some warning signs ladies:
Does he discourage you to do the things you want to do by saying you'll never be able to do them?
Does he make you cry?
Does he comfort you when you cry because of him?
Does he even acknowledge you when you cry because of him?
Does he get upset at you for needing him?
Does he point out your flaws and nitpick at them?
Does he make you feel as though you'll never be able to change and you'll be this imperfect and flawed person forever and you'll never be able to change that?
Does he promise he'll do things and never do them but get upset at you when you promise to do something and never get around to it?
Does he call you a bitch? Are you crazy and psycho?
Is there a double standard? 
Does he still tell you he loves you after putting you through all of this?
If you answered yes, you're probably in an abusive relationship.  Sure, some of it may be your fault. But, in the immortal words of Louis Armstrong, "It takes two to tango." It took me about a month of this treatment before I decided I'd had enough. It was a mutual agreement, messy, incredibly messy, but still a mutual agreement.
But, you say, he might change. If I could just do this better then he'll change. This is all my fault.
You still have a voice. You can still stand up for yourself. You can walk away.
But, you love him. You know he loves you. You cannot walk away. He makes you happy.
Yes. Yes you can. Someone else can fall in love with you. There is happiness outside of him. I know it doesn't feel like it. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I'm still getting over the confidence issues I know were not there before I started dating Greg. I still think of him. I still have yet to forgive him. But I'm working on it. I'm getting there. Other people still find me attractive. I went through all of this and it's made me a better person. I'm not sure how happy I am right now but I'm not crying daily because of how someone's treating me. You can do it too. I believe in you.
A.